Parenting a preteen can be a whirlwind of emotions, especially when anxiety enters the picture. If your 12-year-old often seems overwhelmed by worry, you’re not alone. Anxiety is common at this age, as children navigate the transition from childhood to adolescence. I feel like my son is more of a worrier because he sees me worrying all the time (as hard as I try to keep it in check).
The good news is, with the right tools and support, you can help your child manage their anxiety and find calm in their daily life.
Recognizing the Signs of Anxiety
Anxiety doesn’t always look the same in preteens, which can make it challenging to identify. Here are some common signs to watch for:
- Physical symptoms: Stomachaches, headaches, or fatigue without a clear medical cause. My son is often lethargic and complains of stomachaches when something is bothering him.
- Avoidance behaviors: Reluctance to participate in activities, meet new people, or try new things. Does the phrase, "I don't want to go to school today" sound familiar?
- Excessive worry: Constantly expressing fears about school, friendships, or future events.
- Mood changes: Irritability, restlessness, or frequent crying. This can also be an indication that your child isn't sleeping well which can be caused by anxiety (see my next point).
- Difficulty sleeping: Trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or experiencing nightmares.
If you notice these patterns, approach your child with curiosity and compassion. Recognizing their anxiety is the first step toward helping them.
Communication is Key
Talking to a preteen about their feelings can feel tricky, but open communication is essential. Here’s how to create a supportive dialogue:
- Ask open-ended questions: Instead of asking, “Are you okay?” try, “Can you tell me what’s been on your mind lately?” I have a bad habit of saying, "Everything okay" which is normally met with a one-word answer.
- Validate their emotions: Say things like, “It’s okay to feel nervous about the test. Everyone gets nervous sometimes.” Avoid minimizing their feelings with phrases like, “It’s not a big deal.”
- Practice active listening: Show empathy by repeating back what they’ve shared. For example, “I hear you’re worried about making new friends. That can be really hard.”
When your child feels heard and understood, they’re more likely to open up and work with you to address their worries.
Building Healthy Coping Mechanisms
Help your preteen develop tools to manage their anxiety with these practical strategies:
- Deep breathing exercises: Teach them to take slow, deep breaths by inhaling for four counts, holding for four counts, and exhaling for four counts. There are lots of fun card decks available with prompts that can help with this if you don't know where to start.
- Mindfulness activities: Introduce apps like Calm or Smiling Mind to guide them through meditation or mindfulness exercises.
- Journaling: Encourage them to write down their thoughts and feelings. A worry journal can help them process and release their concerns.
- Physical activity: Regular exercise reduces stress and improves mood. Suggest activities they enjoy, like biking, dancing, or playing sports.
- Create a calming bedtime routine: Limit screen time before bed, and incorporate relaxing activities like reading or listening to soothing music.
When to Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, anxiety requires more than at-home strategies. Here are signs it might be time to seek additional support:
- Your child’s anxiety is interfering with daily life, such as refusing to go to school or avoiding social interactions.
- They express feelings of hopelessness or exhibit signs of depression.
- They’re unable to manage their anxiety despite trying coping strategies.
We've been experiencing more and more forest fires where we live and a few years ago, my son would pace the house looking out the windows looking for fires (even while the rest of us were sleeping). We were referred to a program called Taming the Worry Dragons that helped a lot. There is a book of the same name that he worked through. Check it out if your child is struggling with intrusive thoughts.
A school counselor, therapist, or pediatrician can provide guidance and support tailored to your child’s needs. Therapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), can be effective in helping preteens manage anxiety.
Tools and Resources
Here are some additional resources to help your preteen:
- Books: Look for age-appropriate books like What to Do When You Worry Too Much by Dawn Huebner.
- Apps: Download mindfulness apps such as Calm, Headspace, or Smiling Mind.
- Relaxation tools: Try stress balls, fidget toys, or weighted blankets to promote a sense of calm.
Supporting Your Child and Yourself
Parenting a child with anxiety can be emotionally challenging, so it’s important to care for yourself as well. Practice self-compassion and seek support from friends, family, or parent groups when needed. By modeling healthy emotional regulation, you’re showing your child how to navigate their feelings too.
Remember, progress takes time, and every small step toward managing anxiety is meaningful. With your guidance, your preteen can develop the confidence and skills they need to thrive.
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